A parent struggling with potty training a 3 year old inspired this post.
"Potty Training" is the common phrase most people use to describe the process of learning to use the toilet, but at GH we prefer the term Toilet Learning for a couple of reasons.
One can train a child to use the toilet by placing the child on a potty at typical times when he will need to relieve himself, but ultimately the child will make the choice whether or not to apply that skill. A 2-4 year-old child has very little control over his or her world. They don't choose when or what to eat, when to go to bed, where they spend their time, etc. Ultimately, a child decides where or when to go to the bathroom, and often, "potty training" becomes a power struggle between parent and child rather than an opportunity to encourage indpendence and increase personal comfort. Using the phrase Toilet Learning reminds us that control rests with the child, and emphasizes that it is an ongoing process.
Our Toilet Learning Purple Page describes most of the specifics of our approach to this process. I did want to clarify one thing that the original parent asked: why don't we (at GH) use rewards to encourage children who know how to use the toilet when they do so successfully?
A couple of reasons:
- Children learn best when their primary reward is intrinsic satisfaction for a job well done. By linking their accomplishments to external rewards such as stickers and small candies, we minimize their internal satisfaction and sense of agency.
- We believe that praise is an effective motivator and useful feedback, and we verbally encourage kids who are engaging in the process for their steps along the way.
- Children who are physically ready for potty training may not be emotionally ready for it, and vice versa. By adding external rewards for toileting, we may be setting up kids for failure. Say you have a child who can control her bladded but is often too engaged in play to attend to her body's signals. An underwear accident in a reward system would mean no reward, which is a failure. If we remove the reward (and the implied judgment) from the equation, an accident during play becomes feedback. We can say to the child, "You were so excited about the bubbles that you forgot to go to the bathroom. Maybe next time we should remind everyone to check themselves before we go out with the bubbles."
- Children who really love rewards but aren't quite ready to "earn" them may mislead themselves about their readiness for underwear, for example, leading to embarrassment and frustration.
The best toilet learning avoids repeating preventable failure. When a child has the physical and emotional readiness to master the tasks involved, external rewards aren't necessary.
Is it ever okay to use bribes? Sure. Every aspect of parenting involves give-and-take. Sometimes a child needs extra encouragement to attend to a new skill in challenging situations. At the centers, our routines and rooms are set up specifically to promote age-appropriate toilet learning, so we have elected not to use rewards at the center.
